Happy

I was having dinner with some friends late last year when an interesting conversation came up.

Most of us were experiencing various stages of disequilibrium in our lives—either in our relationships, with our businesses or careers or in our emotional lives.

A friend I hadn’t seen in quite a while asked me, “So, how are you?” I paused for a minute, reflected and replied “Actually, I’m great. I’m feeling really good.” She looked at me with a confused expression on her face. She said she didn’t understand how this could be when I was navigating so many new and challenging business issues.

I told her, “I think happiness is a choice, and in this moment, this day, this is how I’m choosing to feel.”

I, like many of you, experienced a lot of loss and dysfunction growing up (three of my immediate family members died unexpectedly and prematurely between my 24th and 34th birthdays). And throughout most of my twenties and into my early thirties, I felt those losses had the power to dictate how much, how often or when I could experience joy. (I later realized--after a lot of personal growth work--that they were irrelevant to my happiness!)

It’s as if for years, anytime I started to feel light, free or happy, the old feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” would creep in. Can anyone relate?

Last year there was a lot of buzz in the media about happiness and the happiness set point. (read more about this concept via this link). Research was released which showed how much power we have over our ability to be happy (and that feeling good was not related in any way to the accumulation of “stuff”). Helping others, feeling grateful, living more in the present and taking time for soul-nourishing, deeply absorbing work and activities are all things that impacted our happiness quotient.

Many of my clients are riding the emotional roller coaster of these uncertain economic times: “I can’t look at my retirement account, it makes me sick,” “My phone lines are dead, no one is spending right now,” “Announcements about layoffs are coming next week, I’m in limbo,” and “ I want to start a business or change careers, but am I crazy to think about doing this now?!”

I would challenge all of us to examine our thinking. Is it possible to be happy no matter what? Where does our happiness come from? Can I be happy even when everything around me “looks” like it’s falling apart?

I believe we can. Even if it’s a moment-to-moment experience.

P.S. I just did an interview with Cathy Greenberg, Ph.D., for her new book “What Happy Working Mothers Know.”. She and her partners are conducting research on working mothers from around the globe from various socioeconomic backgrounds to determine what make women—working mothers in particular—happy. Interesting stuff. Come here us at the Florida Conference for Women, May 12th and join this lively dialogue.

Miracles

Have you ever faced a conundrum that you knew could not be solved by “thinking it through?”

I have shared in several recent blog posts my intention to create more simplicity in my life in 2009 and how challenging it has been over the last year to run two national businesses (one that is in start-up mode!), while maintaining a sense of equilibrium, and honoring my top priorities, including spending quality time with my son every afternoon.(In fairness to myself, the second was never intended to be a business, it was born organically from a need and desire to help others.)

I’m in a wonderful master mind group with 4 other coaches. Our approach is a little different than many similar support groups for entrepreneurs. We all like to view business challenges with the mindset that “there is a spiritual solution to every problem.”

I think it was Einstein that said “problems are not solved on the level at which they are created.” This has always resonated with me.

So in that vein, I release my “challenge” (which may not be a challenge at all, depending on how I look at it, right?!), trust and remain open to a fresh perspective. I’ve learned from riding the entrepreneur roller coaster over the last almost ten years that miracles often arrive in strange wrapping.

I’m looking forward to a shift in thinking (I call this a miracle) and am grateful for my clarity around knowing what matters most to me.

I think it was author Wayne Dyer that said, “Change your thinking and you change your world.” Amen Wayne, I'l take some of that! (photo: Sun setting in the Olympic National Forest Renee Peterson Trudeau)

P.S. One great way to shift your thinking is to attend a professional or personal development event. We have some great ones listed here: www.reneetrudeau.com/calendar. Check out the Sunday business section in your local paper for others.

Interconnected

I was raised by parents who felt strongly about serving and giving to others, whether that be taking kids from the local orphanage out with us on Sunday family outings, generously supporting a family in our church community whose house had burned down, buying 100 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to give to neighbors or purchasing a refrigerator for our Laosian babysitter who was raising five children in addition to helping my mother with her seven.

I had never really made the connection about how strongly my parent’s actions and attitudes affected my perspective on service and volunteerism until our Biz+Balance Meeting (www.careerstrategists.net/b-b) last Thursday night when we explored the topic of community service and how it impacts our children, our businesses, our passions and our hearts.

My mom was a huge Mother Theresa fan. I think of a quote once shared by this amazing peace advocate "Service is compassion in action."

This idea really captures the best of my mom. She might have struggled with self-love and at times was not there for us emotionally --but she was incredibly compassionate towards others, both friends and strangers.

Many of us care so deeply about the causes and atrocities that we're grappling with as a society--both in our own cities and globally--that we get overwhelmed and we turn away or shut down, thinking what can I really do that will make a difference?

One of the entrepreneurs at our Biz and Balance gathering brought up a great point, though.

While many of us do choose to jump in and get involved in our local communities in big ways and small ways--whether it be stocking cans at the local food bank, starting a foundation to promote girls' empowerment or handing out water and sandwiches to the homeless , aren't there just as many opportunities to serve those right around us who desperately need our help?

The friend who has two kids with special needs and hasn't had an overnight trip away with her husband in seven years ..... the co-worker’s sister who just got divorced and is struggling to find work....the mom in our book club who just needs someone to really listen and be present for her..... the recent college grad who is struggling with depression and needs referrals for support .....the young Korean boy in your son’s kindergarten class who just moved her and is struggling to assimilate and make friends?

I believe we are all interconnected, and the more we reach out and are present to one another’s pain and suffering the stronger we all become. (And it becomes easier to embrace this esoteric idea that we're all one.) I believe ultimately a huge shift in consciousness could come about, not when we are all finally mediating 30 minutes every morning --although that certainly wouldn't hurt things--but when more and more of us begin reaching out and helping one another make it through this sometimes scary, often isolating and perplexing but wondrous world.

P.S. Beginning July 1, I will be on a six-week writing sabbatical. Before you envision me sitting in the Himalayas writing on papyrus leaves, what this actually means is I am “giving” an idea that has been tapping me on the shoulder for a year, four hours of dedicated time each week day. I’ll be playing, writing, exploring, questioning a theme which greatly interests me and I’ll be posting weekly to share my insights on what it’s like to dedicate space in your life to exploring a creative endeavor.

P.P.S. I also just got back from a retreat with http://www.joanborysenko.com/ and I can’t stress how crucial it is—I believe—that we all take time to “retreat from the world. I hope you can sit down and create the space in your schedule this summer or fall to take a retreat. My last newsletter shares some ideas on this:
http://reneetrudeau.com/htmlemail/june2008.html . And, if it speaks to you, consider joining me at my women's self-renewal retreat in late September!

Expanses of Unscheduled Time

Last weekend I had one of the most “decadent” and enjoyable weekends I’ve had in months. I had wanted to go out of town for the holiday weekend, but my husband convinced me we should just stay in town and take it easy.

Even though we’re very mindful of what we say “yes” to on the weekends, often, Sunday evening rolls around and we don’t feel truly rested and nourished. The weekend was simply too scheduled.

During the recent holiday weekend, my husband and I took turns taking naps (while the other played with our six-year old), I got a massage, we read, we made some great fresh summer dishes that we shared with our neighbors, saw a movie, spent time going on walks and gardening as a family and for the most part, just hung out and let our days unfold. It felt luxurious! (Sometimes cleaning out the sock drawer is just the soul food we need!)

As I age, I find the less I have to do, the happier I am. And when I can create “expanses of unscheduled time” in my life and my family’s life, magic happens. The ordinary becomes extraordinary. I’ve heard life coach Cheryl Richardson (http://www.cherylrichardson.com/) say that our quality of life is enhanced by what we take out of our schedule/days, not by what we put in. I can’t agree more.

I have been planning for the last 6 months to allow my schedule some space to slow down considerably in July and August. While I will be working during those months, I’ll be on a mini writing sabbatical in July and part of August and am really looking forward to claiming chunks of unscheduled time during these slower months. And, I can’t wait to see what unfolds from these “closets of intentional space.” I hope you can find some time to do the same.

P.S. Talking about balance, I encourage you to check out Stew Friedman’s (head of Wharton School of Business’ Work/Life Initiative) new book http://www.totalleadership.org/. I met him when I attended a workshop he led in Austin, TX last week at Bazaarvoice and was really excited and encouraged by his “whole person” approach to work/life effectiveness and leadership. It’s incredibly refreshing to meet a business teacher/leader who advocates for self-care and alignment with personal values and to hear him share about the profound impact the birth of his first child had on his world view and desire to promote a new way to lead. Read a recent New York Times article on Stew’s recent talk and approach here: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/29/business/smallbusiness/29shift.html?em&ex=1212379200&en=2781ffd821336324&ei=5087%0A. Three cheers for Mr. Friedman!

Slowing Down

Have you noticed how speeded up we all seem to be lately? Pulling into my gym parking lot this morning, you would have thought they had just announced “the first 20 to enter the front door this morning win a free trip to Europe!”

Why are we in such a hurry? How is it affecting our interactions with one another? With how we parent? Not to mention our physical and emotional well-being (pay attention to your physical sensations when you’re in the “chicken with its head cut off” mode ... usually your stomach, upper back or chest are screaming for you to move to the slow lane). And, it seems to me we’re moving even faster than we were a year ago (or maybe I’m imagining this!). I would attribute some of this to technology and how we now use email, cell phones and PDAs, etc. Most of my career coaching clients site the constant inability to “unplug.”

Twelve years ago I was introduced to a philosophy/approach which advocates Slowing Down. In fact, the coach I was working with who suggested I start to become aware of how how "present" I am in my day-to-day life, told me I would actually be more effective at work if I slowed down! (Check out Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Richard Carlson/Joseph Bailey to get a taste of the approach I was introduced to : http://www.amazon.com/Slowing-Down-Speed-Life-Peaceful/dp/0062514547.) At the time, I thought she was crazy.


Thank God (and the coach who helped me shift to begin balancing“being” with “doing”), that has changed. I have now developed an aversion, an actual distaste for living and working at breakneck speed. Sure I do it sometimes, but my body starts setting off very loud alarms that it goes against my natural rhythms and innate health.

What is the speed at which you’re living? Are you pummeling through life in a race car, moving along in a steady Chevrolet, zipping around on a Vespa, soaking up your surroundings on a horse and buggy or maybe you’re on foot? Is the speed at which you’re living your life working for you? How do you feel when you wake up each morning? When you go to bed at night? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

There has been a lot of press about adopting a Slow Food movement. I like it. But first, maybe we all need to start supporting a Slow Life movement. What do you think?

Life Balance on My Terms

I define life balance as having enough time, energy and resources for those things that are most important to me.

I had the wonderful opportunity to lead a women’s Personal Renewal Group (PRG) Facilitator Training Weekend Retreat at The Crossings Austin in late September. It was an amazing experience and as always, lots of deep learning for everyone involved.

The following week I hosted a Biz and Balance Success Group Meeting for Entrepreneur Moms (you can learn more about this free community gathering at Career Strategists) and then in early October, I was very involved in the Texas Conference for Women, where I spoke during two sessions on "Embracing the Chaos: Work/Life Balance from the Inside Out” and participated in other conference activities for this 8,000 person event.

The morning after the conference, I got on the plane and headed to Orlando, FL to speak at the Association for Women In Communications National Conference on “The Courage to Follow Your Heart Taking Risks in Life and Career” and then the next day I led a free community workshop and Self Renewal Party for an amazing gathering of moms in downtown Orlando, hosted by Hopscotch Boutique and the Central Florida YMCA.

Crazy?! Maybe a little. Looking at my schedule over the past 3 weeks--and the reason for my absence from my blog--you might wonder how I’m feeling and how my emotional/physical well-being is!!

I did some extra things to help nurture myself during this busy travel time (bringing healthy snacks and staying hydrated, taking short walks when I could, building in “alone time,” delivering “good is good enough” presentations and trying to stay present as much as possible), but overall I was so “fed’ by these opportunities to visit with women from around the nation about "The Mother's Guide" and the Personal Renewal Groups that it didn’t feel crazy, but rather nourishing. (Ok, at times it did feel a little crazy.)

But, most importantly to me, I entered into this very full three-week period, intentionally--knowing these were events I really wanted to devote time and energy to.

I wouldn't recommend a schedule this intense if you can avoid it, but we all have those times when things unavoidably get a little to tightly stacked.

The last three weeks have been a great opportunity for me to reflect on this ever-evolving "life balance" journey and continue to look at what really fuels and drains me in my life. I'm grateful to be doing work I love that feeds me on many levels and at the same time am very conscious about not giving everything I have to a calling and not leaving enough energy for the other things in my life that are top priorities.

A friend commented recently that it must be hard to not have my parents to lean on and how unfortunate it is that my mom and dad never got to see the book or observe me in my current role. Yes, it definitely can be. But, ironically, I wouldn't be doing this work if I hadn't experienced those premature losses.

P.S. While at the www.txconferenceforwomen.org, I had the opportunity to be on a panel with work/life balance consultant and author Cali Williams Yost, author of "Work+Life Fit". Cali, like me, advocates being sensitive to your current life stage and individual/family needs when determining what type of job is a fit for you. She is very insightful and outlines a plan for how to do this and create your personal "work+life fit" in her book. Check it out, she offers a wonderful perspective on the topic of balance and great resources to help you on your career path.

Life is More Than a To-Do List

Returning from an incredible family vacation in Ireland (more on this in my next newsletter) and preparing for “back to school” and a full fall, I’m very observant right now of how my family and I plan to live/play/work over the next few months. I have really enjoyed slowing down during the summer--still working, just taking time to smell the roses--and am adamant about not getting sucked into the vortex of hyperactivity that so often crops up in late fall!

Interestingly, when I was in Ireland (and reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilber-- what a great book), I had a lot of interesting dreams. Some, about being an old woman. I’m still sorting through my feelings about how fleeting our time really is on this planet, but I keep coming back to the question: what do I want to be like when I’m older (not what do I want to do OR where do I want to live, but how I want to “be”)?

And, more importantly, if this differs from how I live now, why is that?!

My friend was sharing how she’s noticed that so many women when they get to their seventies, eighties and beyond, seem to either become bitter and crotchety or completely loving and easy-going. I want to be the easy-going
granny and, for that matter, I want to be the easy going, go with the flow, incredibly generous, nothing ruffles my feathers, not a stitch of controlling tendencies in my body forty-something mother/friend/sister/wife and more!

The other night in my Personal Renewal Group when we were working on Chapter Six from The Mother's Guide, "Let Your Light Shine: Owning Your Personal Power," (http://www.reneetrudeau.com/group/), we visualized how we wanted to live/be in the world. After listing these qualities, we created really beautiful I AM collages using images from magazines that represented these attributes. It was so cool to see the womens' masterpieces and how they lit up when they talked about “who they really are.”

What do you want to be like when you’re 87? Is it different from how you are now?

For me, I know I really enjoy helping other people express their potential (in a healthy, strong boundaries and non-draining way) and I know that serving others will always be an important piece of who I am. I’m really grateful for moments like this that let me step outside of my life as I know it and remind me that we are all more than our “to do lists!”

Hope your transition into fall is effortless, enjoyable, meaningful and filled with lots of great moments of sharing/connection with those you love.

P.S. If you also feel the call to serve and inspire others, you might consider becoming a PRG Facilitator. You can get trained online or join us at the Crossings Sept. 21-23 (early bird registration ends Aug. 20th) http://www.reneetrudeau.com/order/retreat.html. Take good care.