When I Fill My Cup First

I spoke last week to a group of career coaches. Most of them were women. And, many of them came up to me after the presentation and wanted to talk about self-care.

I encouraged them to consider joining a Personal Renewal Group, attending one my spring retreats, or just taking some time each week for themselves. Most responded “I really need that, but I just don’t have the time …the money …the support from my family ….the space on my calendar.” And others simply said “Yes, I know it’s what I need but …..” and they looked down at their feet or across the room, as if I’d just suggested they climb Mount Everest.

Last month two of my girlfriends had extended breaks from their families/young children (their husbands were traveling with their kids). When I ran into them during this break, they were absolutely glowing. They had a sense of levity, aliveness and joy that I hadn’t witnessed in a while. It wasn’t that they had miserable lives or didn’t love being around their kids, but this break had helped them re-charge, reconnect with their essence and enjoy the incredible gift of being able to listen –and respond to—their needs.

Can you remember a time when you’ve had a break and felt the same way?

It’s been ten years since I first started focusing on my self-care. Sometimes I try and remember what it was like when I just pushed through my day, never pausing to check in with my needs. And, never believing that I was worthy of self-nurturance and self-compassion.

I know that my life now is not perfect and everyday is a learning experience, but my commitment to listening to and caring for my sweet self is so strong, I can’t imagine any other way. And, I know that I’m a radically different—and better---mother, sister, wife, employer and friend because of it.

If you’re in Texas (or have friends who are), I strongly encourage you to join me for a rare treat on Thursday, Feb. 18th in Austin for a FREE event. I’ll be facilitating an Evening of Self-Renewal and will be introducing this profound and sacred practice which has changed who I am. Bring a photo (see details) and come prepared to experience a shift in how you feel and think about yourself.

AN INVITATION: Interested in exploring and tapping into the power of self-care? Learn how you can join or become trained to lead a self-renewal circle for women. And, view all upcoming events--including March 26th and April 23-25 spring renewal retreats--here.

Also, visit Live Inside Out to register for our Feb. 23rd FREE evening teleclass on Good is Good Enough: Releasing Perfection. And sign up to receive weekly tips on how to live more intentionally through our Live Inside Out Facebook Community.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Flora in the Berkshire Mountains at Kripalu (where I'll be leading an August Self-Renewal Retreat Aug. 13-15).

Support

As much as I am an advocate of asking for and receiving help (and getting support), I stumble often and see how natural my tendency is to still go it alone.

Recently I had the luxury of meeting with an amazing executive coach about honing a professional skill. Just sitting across from her, having someone totally focused on my needs, who is present and 100% supportive, felt simply amazing!!

I think a lot of my friends/colleagues can relate. We know help is there and how different we feel when we're supported (rather than out in open waters in a rowboat alone), yet we still resist asking for help as often as we should.

Interestingly, more and more studies are coming out about what the physiological and emotional benefits are of having a support network.

And none of us will argue that having a robust support system can have a huge impact on how you experience day-to-day life.

Research shows that individuals with strong support systems (from the Guide):
• are more effective at work and at home (they feel as if they have a team behind them

and that they’re not all alone)
• keep resolutions, particularly those involving their health and physical well-being
• weather personal and professional challenges more easily
• are less likely to feel overwhelmed and find it easier to maintain perspective
• stay healthier on all levels—mentally, physically and emotionally
• are less likely to feel isolated (isolation can lead to feelings of despair and failure)
• experience less stress and burnout
• have children who are comfortable asking for and receiving support and help from others

So, what about you? Do you find it hard to ask for help or are you fully supported in all areas of your life (and if yes—share your secrets with the rest of us who are still struggling with this!)?

My recent experience with my coach certainly has encouraged me to look at all areas of my life and see where I’m lacking support.

Why go it alone? I really believe we’d all benefit from becoming more interdependent.

Perception

One of my favorite quotes is "Don't believe everything you think."

Author/speaker/spiritual teacher Byron Katie (http://www.thework.com/) tells a great story about an experience she had at a busy airport restroom. She waited in line and finally a woman emerged from the stall nearest where she was standing. Katie walked in and was immediately irritated to see the seat was completely wet! How inconsiderate and thoughtless of that woman, she said to herself. After Katie cleaned up the seat and was done, she flushed the toilet and as she unhooked the latch to leave, she noticed water from the commode backfiring and completely spraying the entire toilet seat!

Katie likes to say, "We're not always wrong, only 99% of the time."

How often do we meander down a trail of thought based on an assumption we're clinging to --about another person, a situation or whatever has triggered us--which in all likelihood is just flat out not true?

As a career coach, I hear stories all the time from clients who feel "wronged" by bosses, coworkers, clients, companies, HR departments, etc. Many times, when I suggest another way of looking at a situation, they realize how "off" their perception is about the situation. (My recent Career Management Resources newsletter: www.careerstrategists.net/htmlemail/july08.html) offered suggestions for moving beyond these wounds.)

Or, sometimes we adopt a certain way of seeing things that could be holding us back ("X is just too hard, it will cost too much, take too long, it will never work, etc.) and feel stuck in how we're perceiving the situation.

Last year, I pushed away accepting speaking engagements outside of Texas, thinking my son was too young, they would be too work-intensive, they wouldn't pay me enough to make it worth my time and on and on (you see where I'm going?).

About three months ago, I had a huge shift--don't ask me how-- around national/international speaking gigs and now my attitude is, bring 'em on--these are fun, easy, they let me leverage my strengths, they pay well and they provide me with a wonderful opportunity to help others on a larger scale! What more could I ask for?

Interesting how my perception changed so completely.

This morning, my sweet six-year old and I let Dad sleep in (he was up late playing at a Brazilian music festival) and decided to head out for an adventure.

We rode our bikes--for the first time--to the local Mexican restaurant 2 miles away for breakfast tacos. It was a bit of an obstacle course--navigating around dogs, other bikers, sprinklers, traffic lights, cars blocking driveways--and I have to admit, a part of me was slightly critical of the experience (wishing I had brought water, wishing the breakfast tacos were a little healthier, wishing my son's bike was a better fit for him, etc.).

But, my little guy perceived the morning as absolute perfection--"Mom, I love the breeze, we're riding our bikes somewhere new AND I just found a beautiful acorn on the sidewalk. This is the best time ever!!"

I'm grateful for my small, sweet teacher. And, the realization that a change in perception--and how we feel-- really is only a thought away.

P.S. If you feel like you're moving too fast to pause and question your "perceptions," check out my latest Life Balance newsletter: www.reneetrudeau.com/htmlemail/september2008.html and accompanying exercise on this topic.

People

I love meeting, learning about, listening to, watching and studying people. I think the human experience is fascinating.

My husband and son and I attended an amazing arts festival in San Antonio, TX yesterday set on the grounds of a 150-year old convent. There were people there of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages, all soaking up great food, aguas frescas, amazing art from around the U.S. incredible music and shade from century-old oak trees.

The three of us relaxed on the grass and rested near a beautiful 7-foot tall stone waterfall sculpture. Nearby, families laughed and squabbled, couples kissed, talked and drank beer and children ran every which way.

I love people and my work as a career and life balance coach over the last nine years has opened up and expanded my heart like I could have never imagined. Hearing executives, artists, sales directors, public policy advocates, moms, software developers and HR leaders share their insecurities, vulnerabilities and fears around their careers and lives, really makes you realize we’re all “one” and truly desire the same things in our lives (once we’re able to get in touch with this).

I’ve had some really difficult—yet amazing—learning experiences lately with people (really whom I barely knew), that have taught me a lot about how I see people: what I call my lens or filter for how I choose to view and interact with those around me.

My husband calls my view a “positive prejudice.” What makes me a really good coach—my ability to hold possibility/potential for others and to be very caring, acccessible & open—sometimes affects me adversely in my day-to-day interactions.

I always expect the best from people and I tend to expect their interactions with me to be on the level at which I interact with them, rather than just meeting them where they’re at. I also have a naturally compassionate orientation, which often spills over into all my interactions with people—regardless of how well I know someone.

I’ve really had some “ah-has” lately around this and how this “positive prejudice” (for lack of a better word) impacts my life. Don’t worry, I’m not becoming cynical or losing hope or optimism, but am I becoming more observant and aware about my patterns.

I think we all have general biases (even if they’re very subtle) about how we tend to think about everything--particularly people. I have some friends who tend to be distrustful or cynical about others, some who think everyone is always asking “what’s in it for me?”, some who tend to always feel inferior—or superior—to their neighbors, some who feel we’re all here to help each other and others who feel as if we're all essentially in our own lifeboats, fighting and struggling to make our way in the world.

What is your lens for how you view others? Before you say, “I wait to get to know people to make any observations,” I’d challenge that belief. Most of us have a general orientation towards the world and toward others. People are ....... (fill in the blank). What is your filter and how does it affect your life experiences (one-on-one and in groups)?

Photo above: Melissa Winkler/The IRC. Women in the Democratic Republic of Congo where this is a horrible war being waged against women. Visit www.theirc.org to learn more about how you can help.

Compassion

Countryside, County Clare, Ireland

Things feel very much like they did post-911 right now (at least career-wise). My clients, friends and men and women I meet through public speaking engagements, seem to feel less sure, less grounded and fearful (if not anxious) about the road before us. Many also share a sense that everything feels very speeded up, that things are moving too fast.

If I were asked “what is one quality you think would be serve the world right now?” my word would be compassion.

I heard a radio interview this morning with a well-known author who said he believes many of us are experiencing “empathy deficit” disorder, due to being overly focused on seeking pleasure or relief from external things and not being connected to those around us.

I find I’m able to really shift when I’m going through a hard time, simply by being more compassionate towards myself. And, when I can move beyond “walking in my brother’s shoes” into feeling true compassion for what they might be experiencing—regardless of their crazy or abrasive behavior--my perspective moves to a different plane altogether.

I have the privilege of getting to serve men and women daily by supporting them on their career path. My clients show up “warts and all”—feeling gratitude for the opportunity to be seen for who they really are. In turn, I am able to hold a space of “possibility” for them and extend deep compassion for their courage in taking risks, asking for/receiving help, being vulnerable, living with "not knowing,"and wanting to experience and be something greater than that which they can currently imagine.

Compassion can also manifest in the smallest ways—a warm smile for someone clearly struggling with kids at the grocery store, a genuine “how are you doing” to the clerk who helps you check out or even just taking time to really “see” a coworker, neighbor, teacher, parent, family member, child or employee who might feel—or are treated as if-- they’re invisible.

Mother Teresa said the fruit of love is service, which is compassion in action. I love that quote.

If you were to choose one quality to “gift” the world right now, what would it be?

Comment on the photo: This weekend, my six-year old decided to create a little “altar” in a corner of his bedroom. to honor qualities that were sacred to him (he heard about this idea from a great book called “Peaceful Piggy Meditation,” http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807563803). One of the items he choe was a beautiful pink flower from our herb garden to symbolize kindness to others. It is amazing how something so “everyday”—when noticed from a new vantage point—can have such a powerful impact.

Enjoy the photo above that I took in County Clare, Ireland on the way to the seashore last summer.