Ahhh....A Change Is Needed!

My husband and I had a challenging time around communication this past week. Of course, I can quickly blame it on his heady, introverted nature (he’s an INTP if you know Myers Briggs speak), but the truth is it takes two to tango.

At the same time we were dealing with our stuff, four friends reached out to me within a 48 hour period—all were navigating big relationship hurdles and some shared they may be looking at separation or divorce. (It was an emotional weekend for many, to say the least.)

It seems many of us are being challenged right now to examine what’s working and what’s not in our key relationships, and if necessary, to course correct.

Hours later following our disconnect, my partner and I had a great conversation around things each of us could do differently to help enhance harmony in our relationship.

And, for the first time ever, rather than internalizing “what’s wrong,” or ingesting self-criticism or blame (my husband’s tendency)—we both simply came to the realization that “Ahhhh … a change is needed,” in how we communicate.

It felt like such a relief to realize we didn’t have to turn this into WWIII. We could simply see this for what it was: a call to action to change the way we do things. And to respond accordingly. Even with a bit of levity!

Sometimes changes may involve tweaking our cruise control setting or adjusting our rear view mirror and other times, it may mean moving from Farm Road 150 to the toll road.

“Ahhh … a change is needed.” It feels good just to say it (and a lot less burdensome than “So how do we fix this?”).

I look forward to getting many more opportunities this fall to respond to various situations with “Ahhh … a change is needed.” Maybe you’d like to test-drive it, too.

An Invitation: this past summer I had some huge ah-has around how I want to live/work moving forward. I came to the realization that even though there are many things I appreciate and enjoy about how I’ve set up my life, I desire even more space, simplicity and freedom. So what better way to embody a New Way of Being than to teach it? Read 7 Ways to Embrace a New Way of Being and join me and like-minded men/women for my 4-week New Way of Being Telecourse for all of us who are done with overwork and overwhelm. I’m so excited about this revolutionary new program and can’t wait to support you in creating the life you desire from the inside-out!

P.S. Have you heard about the I CHOOSE LOVE public service campaign? It's a reminder to ourselves and our brothers and sisters that when we come from love--one of the most powerful yet underutilized forces on the planet--we have the ability to transcend fear and remember what we're really hear to do: give and receive love. Learn more about how you can embrace this message in your daily life through being more mindful, sharing stories, ordering a tshirt (at cost) and more.

I love to hear from, connect with and meet The Journey readers at our events. I invite you to:

>Find Your Tribe: Join or become trained to lead Self- Renewal Groups
>Attend a retreat/event; join me Oct. 14-16 at Kripalu in the amazing cool Berkshire mountains for our Women's Self-Renewal Retreat.
>Join the Dialogue on our Live Inside Out Facebook Community
>Pick up The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal from the library or buy it here
>Read past issues of my Life Balance newsletter
>Take Action: Contact one of our career or life balance coaches for 1-on-1 support; receive an initial complimentary consultation
>Empower Others: Schedule Renee Trudeau for a private workshop or retreat for your company or organization

Subscribe to The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: I’m currently taking qi gong (an ancient practice designed to balance qi or life energy) from Master Li at AOMA I love Master Li’s prompts to expand into a “feel good” state while doing qi gong. He says the emotional state is one of the most important elements of the practice. “Ahhh … a change is needed,” I now say with a smile. I think Master Li would approve.

Meet Me on the Mountain Top!

Early last week, after our son went to school, my husband and I took an early morning walk together.

This doesn’t happen often. Like most families, the mornings are usually very full. But we feel certain my husband will be working again soon and these rare opportunities to do out-of-the-ordinary stuff will be gone, so we grab them when we can!

We caught up on day-to-day activities, but had an ah-ha that when it came to the BIG life stuff, we weren’t really synched up.

Sure, we try to schedule time for date nights, meditate together most mornings and visit in the evenings after dinner, but here we were at major life junctures-- he is exploring/interviewing for new job opportunities and I’m in thd midst of creating new ideas/projects around everyday spirituality—and we weren’t harnessing or leveraging our collective power, intention and strengths.

It’s as if we have both been hiking in the woods—intersecting at rest stops—but neither of us had met the other on the mountain top in quite some time.

So, we cancelled all of our meetings and plans for last Wednesday and scheduled a visioning retreat together from 9-2 to specifically to focus on our careers, how/where we share our talents with the world and our highest vision for what we’re manifesting in our lives right now.

We meditated and prayed together, shared and read some inspirational readings, listed and voiced our talents to one another, created beautiful vision boards, enjoyed some yoga/stretching, had a luxurious lunch and finished with a walk and visit to my parent’s memorial bench on Town Lake where we did a gratitude sharing.

The vision boards were wonderful because when we were done, we each took turns sharing what images we had chosen and why—this was a great way to get a snapshot of where the other person’s thoughts and heart are focused right now. And, it allowed us to really synch up and align on a much higher level.

We both agreed it was the best use of five hours in a long time (interestingly, my husband received five calls from recruiters between 2-4 p.m. that day!).

I once heard a success coach say that professionally, people see their friends/family ten years out from where they actually are. I agree. We do typically hold the highest/best for those closest to us and can often see who they are becoming before they can.

But often we don’t slow down enough to share this vision or allow them to do the same for us. Maybe we should. Around our house, we always love the reminder: "Be careful--don't believe everything you think!" Seems a change in perspective and a few more visits to the mountain top could do us all a world of good.

P.S. If you read my blog regularly you know I’m a huge fan of retreats (many of my biggest shifts have happened on personal and group/guided retreats). I’ll be holding a one-day self-renewal retreat on Nov. 5th for women, but I ran across this great link this morning listing many fantastic spiritual retreats centers in the U.S. Enjoy—it’s a keeper.

FIND YOUR TRIBE, ATTEND A RETREAT/WORKSHOP OR JOIN THE DIALOGUE: Would you like to receive support from like-minded women and be with people who hold the highest and best for you? Join or become trained to facilitate a Personal Renewal Group, visit our calendar to learn more about upcoming events including our November 5th One-Day Reflect, Reclaim, Re-Balance Women's One-Day Self-Renewal Retreat and our FREE October 14th Live Inside Out teleclass on Being More Present and Remembering What Matters.

Also, check out our Live Inside Out community and read how people are living more intentionally.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Renee Trudeau--the view from a mountain top on the Olympic Peninsula, WA.

Relationships Are Hard?

I was nervous about writing this post.

While I’m quite forthcoming and like to “keep it real” around the challenges and ups and downs in my life, talking about my relationship with my partner is totally different terrain.

My parents divorced at age 48 after having 7 kids and 26 years together. Both sets of my grandparents have been through a divorce, my brother--who I am very close to--divorced after 14 years of marriage. And, the couple I idolized in college also divorced after 20-something years of marriage and 4 kids.

My internal dialogue in my twenties and throughout much of my thirties was “Relationships are hard and you don’t really have any great models for how to be in relationship so you’ll probably never be very successful.”

Can anyone relate?

A week ago, my husband and I took our first extended trip alone together since our son was born to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary (we’ve been together since 1996). We went to Big Sur, CA and the trip was really phenomenal, check out our photos here.

But what was most amazing to me during this trip, was my realization of how much I have changed in the last 10 years---around how I view my husband, myself, our partnership and the whole concept of marriage.

One morning we were hiking down a beautiful sandy trail at Andrew Molera State Park on the Central Coast of CA. We were headed towards the ocean and were the only people on this beautiful, quiet path.

As I often do when hiking in nature and contemplating life, I asked my husband some “thinker” questions about his current life stage (all my male clients reading this are sighing with relief they’re not married to me right now). He paused for a while, shared and then I waited a bit to see if he’d reciprocate and ask me the same questions.

He didn’t.

And I was fine. Actually more than fine.

Ten years ago, I would have been irritated, hurt and possibly angry for hours at his “perceived” insensitivity.

Today, I know three things that changed how I viewed this experience:

1. My beloved is an introvert. He likes to really sit with and chew on things. His internal world is vast, rich and when I throw out an introspective question, he needs time and space to digest it.
2. We don’t need to talk about everything OR go back and forth around a topic to enjoy intimacy. Often our most intimate moments are found in silence.
3. I don’t need my husband to make me feel complete or whole. I know who I am. I am in touch with my needs. And, if something is really important to me, I have no problem bringing it up and exploring it with him. And, he’s always receptive to listening.

I almost felt giddy at this realization as we continued along in silence towards the waves and I let John sit with his thoughts, while I sat with mine. (I did share this ah-ha moment with him later and he felt horrible for not creating more of a dialogue with me until I explained that I wasn’t upset.)

Relationships are hard? Yes, sometimes they are. But how well equipped are we when we show up at the dance? (One of my mentors used to say we’re all going to face our same issues over and over again no matter who we’re married to, so just pick your partner and do-se-do!)

I’ve noticed as I have become more self-aware, more compassionate, more loving towards myself and more attuned to my needs, my partnership has evolved and shifted.

Showing up in the relationship with a full cup rather than a half-empty one seems to significantly change the dynamics.

I certainly don’t have the answers when it comes to making a marriage work.

I still find that cultivating a deeply, evolved, committed relationship is not for the faint at heart and it takes everything I have to be present with my partner day in, day out. And, it continues to be the single most challenging aspect of my life, hands down!

But I also know it's worth it. And being in a close, connected partnership where you support and hold the highest and best for each other--has been rewarding beyond compare.

I just read a wonderful new book by relationship therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom called Secrets of Great Marriages. It’s an anthology of personal stories from 27 couples, all of whom have been married for 15 years or longer. One of the insights many couples shared that stayed with me, is the reoccurring theme that one of the best things you can do to deepen and strengthen your marriage is to know and love yourself. And to make sure your needs are met before trying to support your partner.

Sounds like I just might be on the right track. Or at least beginning to create my own model for what a meaningful, healthy relationship feels like to me. I’ll keep you posted.

P.S. If you’re interested, I’ve listed a few of my favorite relationship resources at the end of the chapter on Staying Connected to Your Partner in my book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

JOIN US FOR AN UPCOMING EVENT: Would you like support for getting in touch with your needs and reconnecting with who you are? Join us in the cool Berkshire mountains in MA this coming August at the beautiful Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health for our Self-Renewal Retreat Aug. 13-15. One of my favorite spots on the planet and the retreat center that I visit when I'm ready to make a huge life shift! Visit our calendar to learn more about upcoming events including our FREE May 18th Live Inside Out teleclass on Reclaiming Adventure in Your Life and our June 11th The Empowered Entrepreneur workshop.

Also, check out our Live Inside Out community and share how you create balance in your relationship.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Big Sur, CA.