Unexpected Gifts

"Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." - Vivian Green

I’ve been writing a lot lately about living in the unknown, the process of birthing “what’s next” and the gifts that can come from being in a state of flux because that’s where some of my closest friends, family and clients are hanging out these days.

My husband was laid off this summer from his job and is in the middle of a job search.

When you’re in the middle of a big life or career transition, it’s really easy to fall into the “we’ll be happier when …” mindset or to constantly wish things were different from how they are.

But I know from past experience, happiness is an inside-out job. I’m sure of it. And, I believe that it’s just as possible to experience joy and well-being in the here and now as it will be a few months from now when my husband is working again (meditating together each morning before we start our day has really helped remind us of this).

Saturday morning, rather than rush off to my favorite yoga class and the farmer’s market, I headed out with my family for a walk on our neighborhood nature trail before the temps got unbearable.

I love to walk with friends and family. I think it’s one of the most nourishing activities in the world: soaking up nature, heartfelt connection, sweating/feeling your strong muscles, synching up to your walking partner’s rhythms and slowing down to enjoy life at a pedestrian pace (rather than the “human race” speed most of us are in much of the time!).

As we walked and our son trailed us on his bike, we began to talk about what good things have come from my husband’s recent job loss.

He shared he’s appreciating getting more time with our son, he’s enjoying learning more about my businesses, he’s getting in better physical shape (he started running again) and he loves that we’re getting to meditate together each morning after our little one goes to school.

I love that I’m becoming more conscious about how I spend, I'm getting more child care support which is allowing me to do some things I normally can’t, I’m getting more help with meal preparation and overall --even though it sometimes drives me crazy to have my husband at the house when I’m working from home-- it’s nice to have the company and someone to enjoy tacos with in the middle of the day.

I just had the opportunity to lead a weekend self-renewal retreat in the Berkshires of MA at Kripalu for 54 amazing women ages 25-70, many of whom were navigating major life transitions.

As the women opened up to me individually and shared where they are-- contemplating divorce, healing from a lover’s suicide, recovering from a life-long addiction, putting together their life after a major job loss, finding a path to wholeness after a debilitating disease—what struck me was how much healing and empowerment they were deriving from these challenges. For the most part, they shared they felt stronger, wiser and were becoming aware of all the “gifts” that have come from their recent struggles.

Their courage touched me deeply and reminded me that most of us are navigating some type of challenge or transition right now.

They reminded me we always have a choice about how we choose to perceive a situation.

And, sometimes what we think may be the “worst” thing that could have ever happened to us, might just bear an outcome greater than we have imagined was possible.

JOIN A GROUP, ATTEND A RETREAT/WORKSHOP OR DIALOGUE WITH ME: Would you like to learn more about the power of self-care and how being kinder to yourself can change your life? Start or join a Personal Renewal Group, visit our calendar to learn more about upcoming events including my Aug. 27th Career Strategy Workshop: Find a Fit, Create a Plan, Love Your Workshop and our FREE September 9th Live Inside Out teleclass on Strategies for Balanced Living.

Also, check out our Live Inside Out community and share how you create balance in your relationship.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Renee Peterson Trudeau. Monk's Pond at Kripalu, a beautiful, quiet pond sitting atop a hill behind the main building.

Relationships Are Hard?

I was nervous about writing this post.

While I’m quite forthcoming and like to “keep it real” around the challenges and ups and downs in my life, talking about my relationship with my partner is totally different terrain.

My parents divorced at age 48 after having 7 kids and 26 years together. Both sets of my grandparents have been through a divorce, my brother--who I am very close to--divorced after 14 years of marriage. And, the couple I idolized in college also divorced after 20-something years of marriage and 4 kids.

My internal dialogue in my twenties and throughout much of my thirties was “Relationships are hard and you don’t really have any great models for how to be in relationship so you’ll probably never be very successful.”

Can anyone relate?

A week ago, my husband and I took our first extended trip alone together since our son was born to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary (we’ve been together since 1996). We went to Big Sur, CA and the trip was really phenomenal, check out our photos here.

But what was most amazing to me during this trip, was my realization of how much I have changed in the last 10 years---around how I view my husband, myself, our partnership and the whole concept of marriage.

One morning we were hiking down a beautiful sandy trail at Andrew Molera State Park on the Central Coast of CA. We were headed towards the ocean and were the only people on this beautiful, quiet path.

As I often do when hiking in nature and contemplating life, I asked my husband some “thinker” questions about his current life stage (all my male clients reading this are sighing with relief they’re not married to me right now). He paused for a while, shared and then I waited a bit to see if he’d reciprocate and ask me the same questions.

He didn’t.

And I was fine. Actually more than fine.

Ten years ago, I would have been irritated, hurt and possibly angry for hours at his “perceived” insensitivity.

Today, I know three things that changed how I viewed this experience:

1. My beloved is an introvert. He likes to really sit with and chew on things. His internal world is vast, rich and when I throw out an introspective question, he needs time and space to digest it.
2. We don’t need to talk about everything OR go back and forth around a topic to enjoy intimacy. Often our most intimate moments are found in silence.
3. I don’t need my husband to make me feel complete or whole. I know who I am. I am in touch with my needs. And, if something is really important to me, I have no problem bringing it up and exploring it with him. And, he’s always receptive to listening.

I almost felt giddy at this realization as we continued along in silence towards the waves and I let John sit with his thoughts, while I sat with mine. (I did share this ah-ha moment with him later and he felt horrible for not creating more of a dialogue with me until I explained that I wasn’t upset.)

Relationships are hard? Yes, sometimes they are. But how well equipped are we when we show up at the dance? (One of my mentors used to say we’re all going to face our same issues over and over again no matter who we’re married to, so just pick your partner and do-se-do!)

I’ve noticed as I have become more self-aware, more compassionate, more loving towards myself and more attuned to my needs, my partnership has evolved and shifted.

Showing up in the relationship with a full cup rather than a half-empty one seems to significantly change the dynamics.

I certainly don’t have the answers when it comes to making a marriage work.

I still find that cultivating a deeply, evolved, committed relationship is not for the faint at heart and it takes everything I have to be present with my partner day in, day out. And, it continues to be the single most challenging aspect of my life, hands down!

But I also know it's worth it. And being in a close, connected partnership where you support and hold the highest and best for each other--has been rewarding beyond compare.

I just read a wonderful new book by relationship therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom called Secrets of Great Marriages. It’s an anthology of personal stories from 27 couples, all of whom have been married for 15 years or longer. One of the insights many couples shared that stayed with me, is the reoccurring theme that one of the best things you can do to deepen and strengthen your marriage is to know and love yourself. And to make sure your needs are met before trying to support your partner.

Sounds like I just might be on the right track. Or at least beginning to create my own model for what a meaningful, healthy relationship feels like to me. I’ll keep you posted.

P.S. If you’re interested, I’ve listed a few of my favorite relationship resources at the end of the chapter on Staying Connected to Your Partner in my book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

JOIN US FOR AN UPCOMING EVENT: Would you like support for getting in touch with your needs and reconnecting with who you are? Join us in the cool Berkshire mountains in MA this coming August at the beautiful Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health for our Self-Renewal Retreat Aug. 13-15. One of my favorite spots on the planet and the retreat center that I visit when I'm ready to make a huge life shift! Visit our calendar to learn more about upcoming events including our FREE May 18th Live Inside Out teleclass on Reclaiming Adventure in Your Life and our June 11th The Empowered Entrepreneur workshop.

Also, check out our Live Inside Out community and share how you create balance in your relationship.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Big Sur, CA.

Re-Defining Balance

The other night at dinner my eight year-old son asked us what “ponder” means.

It got me thinking.

Lately, I’ve been getting clearer that I want to reduce the number of hours I work each week.

I am really feeling a strong pull to be even more present with my family and to have more time for family-related activities, like unscheduled downtime in the evenings and cooking (something my son loves to do, too).

While I have a flexible schedule and have created a work day that supports me in picking up my son from school most days –which I am incredibly grateful for-- the pace of my schedule is still too fast.

I want to have time to occasionally go to lunch with friends, take a break to enjoy my hammock or even read the newspaper (none of which I feel I have time to do now as I'm juggling hundreds of daily emails, phone calls, interviews, clients, events, deadlines and programs).

What I’m realizing is the schedule that worked great for me a year ago, doesn’t work for me now.

I define balance as having enough time, energy and resources for those things that matter most—at this particular life stage.

I’m acutely aware that life with my sweet second grader is fleeting and in no time at all, he’ll be leaving for college!

I also know that our wonderful, relaxed family meals every night looking out at the woods behind our house, the incredibly tender evening bed time routine and the thoughtful, heartfelt conversations I enjoy with my precious family are as good as it gets.

So, I intend to map out this new work schedule—which will start Sept. 1--this summer.

I don’t know how I’ll get there—two full-time national businesses do require a fair amount of energy. But, I’m not worried. I know the solution will present itself because I’m so clear and committed to what is most important to me right now and to how I want to spend my time.

And, because ultimately I want to teach my son not just how to observe, think or deliberate (which to me all denote a desired outcome) … I want to teach him about the importance of taking time to ponder life's questions. And I want the time and space to do the same.

JOIN US FOR A RETREAT: Would you like support in re-defining what balanced living means to you? Join us April 23-25 Refresh, Reclaim, Re-Balance: Women's Self-Renewal Retreat at The Crossings Spa & Resort in Austin, TX, but sign up today to ensure your spot. Or, escape to the cool mountains in August and join us at the beautiful Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health for our Self-Renewal Retreat in the MA Berkshires, Aug. 13-15. One of my favorite spots on the planet!

FREE DOWNLOAD of Courageous Parents, Confident Kids: Letting Go So You Both Can Grow--an exciting new anthology including a special section from Renee on the power of self-care. SIGN UP TODAY to get your free copy on April 19-21 only!

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: A view of the Boston Harbor from Boston's downtown greenway. A wonderful invitation to ponder what it might have been like to live in this area in the 1700's.

What I Love

I attended a powerful movement/writing workshop this past weekend with Lori Saltzman with The Moving Center School in California. Her work is based on the well known 5 Rhythms developed by Gabrielle Roth.

I’m preparing to get back to work this summer on my forthcoming project on everyday spirituality and wanted the opportunity to do some creative writing around this theme.

As the weekend wound down, Lori guided us through an impromptu writing exercise at the end entitled “What I love ….”

She began by asking us to reflect on where our thoughts/attention go most of the time—or as she put it, “We all worship at an altar ….what altar are you worshipping at? The altar of self-criticism, judgment, over-work, perfectionism ... or are you worshipping—or celebrating--what matters most to you?”

We sat and wrote for 20 minutes straight and made a colorful list of what we love, what matters most to us in life. She challenged us to be as specific about the daily details of our lives as possible. Then from this long list, we had to choose seven things and share them with the group.

These were the first seven things that popped off the page from my very long list of What I Love:

When I can drop an argument like a hot potato.
Snuggling Jonah’s long, gangly seven year old body in the morning under our big, warm, fluffy comforter.
Feeling God rush through my limbs when I dance.
The big bright full moon streaming down on my face at night.
The silent connection the three of us share after our first bite of really, really good homemade soup.
The delicious stillness and calm that fills me after my morning mediation.
Riding bikes with Jonah in the morning under the pink, quiet, yawning sky.

It may sound trite, but I need these jolts, these reminders of what really matters –I think we all do. It’s too easy to move into going, doing, thinking, tasking mode and forget how tender and fleeting these moments together truly are.

I came home last night and read the original long list to my husband and son—it was fun to watch them beam as most of the list was connected to them.

I think I'll be moving a little slower, a little more intentionally into my month after this weekend.

What altar do you worship at? Make a list, inspire yourself.

AN INVITATION: Interested in exploring and tapping into the power of self-care? Learn how you can join or become trained to lead a self-renewal circle for women. And, view all upcoming events--including our amazing March 26th and April 23-25 Self Renewal Women's Retreats at The Crossings Spa & Resort--here.

Also, visit Live Inside Out to register for our March 23rd FREE teleclass from 7:30-8:30 p.m. CST on Owning Your Personal Power. And sign up to receive weekly tips on how to live more intentionally through our Live Inside Out Facebook Community.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: My son walking with one of his best friends in Fort Davis. He loves his young male friends with such ferocity, he calls them his "bwuddahs."

Honoring Your Rhythms

This was an incredibly full weekend (I helped promote and led a workshop for a wonderful girls empowerment conference, supported artist friends at a community event, attended our annual school fund raiser and had the honor of hosting a 50th birthday Blessingway for a good friend).

I am pooped.

I feel like crawling back into bed with a big steaming mug of hot team, curling up with a good book and staying in sweats all day. Maybe I will. At the least, I’m certainly not going to have a typical Monday—usually my busiest work day.

I’ve learned over the years how important it is for me to listen to my body and spirit’s internal rhythms. Many days I have boundless energy and can get eight hours worth of work done in two. Other days, I feel like I'm moving through molasses and have to attune to what is essential, what must be done and then let everything else wait while I shift down into first gear.

I trust my body's rhythms and cycles. I’ve learned that pushing always backfires. Listening to and working in harmony with my body and spirit always proves fruitful.

It’s taken me a long time to allow myself to respond to my needs. But now that I do, there is no other way to live.

P.S. FREE SUPPORT RESOURCES: Who is holding a big space for what’s possible for you in 2010? Read more. And, if you’d like to receive my life balance newsletter tomorrow on Your Money or Your Life sign up here. Hope you can join us Tuesday evening (11/17) for our next Live Inside Out class via telephone on Building Your Support System--register here.

AN INVITATION: Interested in how you can connect to your rhythms and tap into the power of self-care? Learn how you can join or become trained to lead a self-renewal circle for women. And, view all upcoming events here.

Also, visit Live Inside Out and sign up to receive weekly tips on how to live more intentionally by becoming a fan on our Live Inside Out Facebook page.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Renee Peterson Trudeau. An apricot tree in the Davis Mountains (TX).

Radical Self-Care

Are you willing to p*** people off in order to take care of yourself?

I just returned from our amazing Fall Self-Renewal Retreat at The Crossings with twenty wonderful women from around the U.S. (Look for more to come on our April 2010 retreat.) During one session, we explored what our “barriers to self-care” are: what keeps us from taking care of ourselves.

Many women shared that they were afraid of what others might think, they might ignite anger or irritation for taking a stand for their needs or they were afraid they might rock the boat by saying “no” to a request from someone else, so they could say “yes” to their physical/emotional/spiritual well-being.

Can you relate? I sure can.

Usually every Fall and Spring—our busiest times—I become extremely mindful of my time, energy and resources. And invariably, I have to end up saying no more often than yes, to things that truly feed me: new coaching clients (they can work with our amazing senior career coaches Angela and Sarina), opportunities for collaboration/projects with colleagues, starting new partnerships and friends/school social gatherings. Occasionally, I even change my mind and give myself permission to back out of previous commitments.

This used to be really hard for me. I love to help and serve others and have many gifts and talents which allow me to do so on a large scale—whether it’s supporting others to discover their life’s work, experience more balance, grow/expand their business, promote their amazing events/initiatives or remember who they really are.

But just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.

I am not willing to over-work, over-schedule, over-commit or over-extend in order to please others. And, when you commit to this path—which is often lonely—you will invariably p*** off some people along the way.

I took the hard road for the first thirty-something years of my life, but have finally learned that the person that I need to honor, nurture, respect and love above all--is me. And when I am kind, accepting and gentle towards her, everything else flows ...it's all good.

"Self-care is not about self-indulgence. It's about self-preservation." Audre Lorde

AN INVITATION: Interested in how you can learn to take a stand for your needs and tap into the power of self-care? Consider starting/joining one of our women's self-renewal circlesor joining us Oct.29 for our FREE Live Inside Out class via telephone. Sign up here. View all upcoming events here.

Also, visit Live Inside Out and sign up to receive weekly tips on how to live more intentionally by becoming a fan on our Live Inside Out Facebook page.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Renee Peterson Trudeau. Olympic National Forest, WA.