Loving Kindness

Although the holidays can sometimes bring up a lot of old emotional stuff for me (those of you who have experienced loss in your families can relate), I love to see the tremendous generosity that abounds from the human spirit this time of year

At the same time, seeing all the piles of presents and the outpouring of financial and volunteer help that we offer to the homeless and the impoverished mainly around Christmas time, has always made me a little sad.

A couple of weeks ago, at the end of an overscheduled week, I ran out to grab some Thai food from a restaurant around the corner, while my husband put our very tired six-year old to bed. We were hoping to carve out a little downtime together over Pad Thai and cold beers and catch up on all the events of our particularly stressful week.

As I pulled into the parking lot in the restaurant thinking “how quickly can I get in and out of here?” I saw a twenty-something bedraggled looking guy—who was probably homeless--sitting on the curb with his dog.

My immediate thought was, “please don’t stop me while I’m coming in or out of the restaurant, I really need to get home to kiss my son goodnight so I can have some time to relax. I’m exhausted.”

I picked up our to-go order and made a beeline for my car which was parked about 5 feet from where he was standing. As I exited, a woman and her 8 or 9-year old son walked out in front of me and began to initiate a conversation with the young man. The mother offered her son’s dinner to the guy—she said her son had eaten earlier and wasn’t hungry and had not even touched the food. And, then she insisted on going back in the restaurant to get the guy some plastic utensils, a napkin and water for his dog.

My physical reaction to this little life lesson was so strong, my eyes were flooded with tears and I could feel a small ache in my heart.

There are a lot of HOPOS out there (how my dear friend Margaret Keys loving refers to those of us who are deeply fed by “helping other people out”). And, I deeply believe it’s the responsibility of all of us to do all we can to bring more compassion and kindness to our communities and to the planet.

Like many, I try to be a catalyst and a volunteer whenever I can for small and large-scale community service work. (I was fortunate to have been raised in a family where giving to and helping others was just part of the everyday experience of living.) And, I know I do make a difference in many people’s lives.

But this recent experience—and the timing of it—hit me hard, reminding me that there are opportunities every day to serve and support one another, whether that’s the homeless guy on the corner, the sad looking teenager checking me out at the grocery store, the lonely mom I see in the afternoon when I pick up my son after school. or my own child who is in disequilibrium.

And, that generosity and loving kindness towards one another doesn’t have to be limited to a specific time of the year.

SUGGESTION: If you’re in the Central Texas area, a great web site to learn about year-around volunteer activities is Hands on Central Texas: http://www.unitedwaycapitalarea.org/volunteer/volunteer_now.php. And, the charity that our Personal Renewal Group program supports, Girls Empowerment Network Austin, is an amazing nonprofit that always needs volunteers and financial support to run their highly acclaimed self-esteem/empowerment program for young girls.

IMAGE: This painting is from the amazing artist Judy Paul. Check out more of her work on the East Austin Studio Tour Nov. 22-23. I took my son on this yesterday with friends and he loved it.

Possibility

One of my favorite writers says our job is to give birth to the best that is within us.

Part of that process is being open to what is possible.

Often, when my coaching clients are faced with a challenge or they’re at a crossroads in their life, I’ll ask them to examine their thinking. Their thoughts. What’s predominantly top of mind?

Are the playing the “what if up” game (expanding into the realm of what is possible) or the “what if down” game (thinking that this change will surely lead down them down a path of doom).

Years ago I attended an International Coaches Federation conference in Quebec and heard Benjamin Zander, conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, author of The Art of Possibility and motivational speaker (see a clip about Ben here).

Benjamin Zander was born in Gerrards Cross, Buckinghampshire, England in 1939. His parents had emigrated from Berlin in 1937 to escape the holocaust, and raise their four children.

Ben’s empowering keynote presentation left half of the 5,000 people who were watching him, in tears. He used music, musicians (local volunteers), spontaneity and his electric presence and passion to kindle, ignite and challenge each of us to ask “what is possible?” in our lives. In our careers. In our relationships. In our businesses. In our communities.

I woke up this morning thinking about Ben Zander. I am at a juncture in my life where I have the privilege and honor of being able to touch and support many lives in a myriad of ways. I believe one of my jobs—one of our jobs—is to hold the space for possibility for one another. To see for others –their potential—what they are unable to see, or maybe not ready to see.

Tonight I’ll be attending a Business+Balance Austin meeting. I started this amazing, unique professional group four years ago when I--as a passionate entrepreneur and a parent--needed a special type of network and support that I was unable to find locally.

So, I created it.

I am excited about the possibilities and opportunities that exist for the hundreds of savvy, amazing entrepreneurs in this group and I feel blessed to have played a part in holding a space for “possibility” for each of them.

What is possible for you in the coming year? I challenge you to think bigger than you ever have before. And, to surround yourself with people who can hold an “ocean of possibility” for you ....even if you’re just slowing paddling up an inlet, headed steadily out to the big sea.

Photo by Renee Trudeau: My six-year old son , putting one front in front of the next, headed out into a sea of lavender on the Olympic Peninsula (WA state).

Getting Quiet

Last week while working with a coaching client on some big life decisions, the topic came up about why we make excuses to stay busy and avoid quiet time.

Some call this prayer, meditation or reflection—in essence, it’s time to be alone in stillness and to connect to our inner wisdom, our higher power or as one of my clients says—our internal “GPS system.”

I tend to be a “choose your own path, do what works for you” kind of coach, but as I get older, I am telling my clients (particularly those in transition) that if they do nothing else, carving out time for reflection each morning—when our minds are the least busy—is not only important, it’s essential. I wrote about this last spring in my newsletter in Five Minutes a Day to Peace and Well-Being.

This past weekend my husband and I had a rare 24 hours to ourselves while my son visited his aunt and uncle. There were a lot of things we wanted to accomplish during our time alone (some important household projects, luxuriating in the feeling that “we could do anything we wanted!!” and definitely a fun night out), but I also wanted to take advantage of the rare opportunity to meditate together Sunday morning. If you've ever meditated or prayed with others, you know how powerful this experience can be.

There are many wonderful teachers that talk about the power of stillness and taking time to connect with the Divine (or God, your higher power, etc.)—meditation guru John Kabat-Zinn, founder of centering prayer Father Thomas Keating, Omega Institute founder Elizabeth Lesser and author/teacher Marianne Williamson are some of my favorite guides around this topic.

For me the difference between days I meditate and days I don’t, feels like the difference between walking through my day barefoot versus wearing shoes.

When I meditate in the morning—whether it’s 5 minutes in the car after dropping my son at school or 20 minutes before I start my work day—I feel grounded, protected, more at ease with life, I roll with changes, I’m more centered and little things don’t turn into big things quite so easily.

When I don’t meditate—when I enter my day and the world, barefoot—I am more fragile, and when I step on pebbles, I get irritated more easily. I'm also not as trusting and when I encounter unexpected events on my path--which we always do-- I’m more easily thrown off course.

For years, I fought this idea of a morning ritual, creating dedicated time every day to get quiet before entering the world. “It’s too hard when you’re a parent, I’m too busy, I’ll do it later in the day, my husband won’t join me, I don’t have ‘the right’ space in my home and my favorite—does it really make a difference?” are all the excuses that would rattle around in my head, justifying my position to postpone what I now know to be the single most important part of my day.

You might try starting your day with a meditation as an “experiment” ….. even just taking 5 minutes each morning to feel what you’re grateful for before you start your work day.

I believe that within the stillness lie the answers to all our questions. We just have to get quiet enough to hear them.

P.S. If you’re a parent, you might want to check out my chapter on Parenting as a Spiritual Journey from The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. It ties into this theme. I did not formally meditate regularly and consistently until about year ago. It has definitely had a huge impact on how I parent, among other things. I just need to remember this and not self-sabotage by blowing it off.

Disequilibrium

Listening to my six-year old practice piano this morning reminded me of the past six weeks.

He was playing a simple song with a pleasing melody (on the white keys) that ended in very harsh cords (on the black keys).

Most of us enjoy when our lives are like the white keys: things sound, feel and appear to be in flow, harmony and in synch.

But the black keys--the sound and feeling of discord--can cause us to go into judgment, criticism, discomfort, irritation or even anger.

My wise friend, internationally-known parenting coach Gail Allen (512-476-7999—one of the ways she stays “in balance” is to stay offline), talks a lot about our kids going in and out of equilibrium and disequilibrium, as they navigate new developmental stages. Guess what?! As adults, we experience the same thing.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been at this level of disequilibrium. It feels like a distant relative has to come to visit that I don’t like very much. And, I’m ready for her to leave.

My disequilibrium is centered largely around small business issues: figuring how to run two businesses on a limited flex-schedule, start-up pains, staffing challenges, feeling pulled in too many directions at once, not feeling as focused as I’d like. (If you know Myers Briggs, I’m an ENTJ—this MB type can really get worked up when their work style is not as effective or efficient as it could be!)

My brother likes to say you have to break down before you can break through! He also believes in the chaos theory, as do I: what on the surface might look disorderly, is, underneath unfolding in quiet perfection.

Still, disequilibrium doesn’t feel too fun.

Over the years, since I’ve had the privilege of leading women’s self-renewal circles, I’ve learned a few things that have helped me during these seemingly chaotic times. I’ll share some ideas, in case they might help you, too:

1. Ask for help: get a bird’s eye view of what is frustrating you from a savvy, big picture, objective source (I’m working on this right now).
2. Breathe. And, move your body. Staying physically stuck, can cause your thinking to stay stuck, too.
3. Move into extreme self care: what do you need to feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually nourished? Self-care can help shift your perspective radically.
4. Surround yourself with people who support you. And don’t spend time around those who don’t. Period.
5. Release, let go and surrender. “For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.” Larry Eisenberg
6. Stay with the feeling. Feel it, but give it breathing room and don’t let it drag you into a “thought attack” (what happens when you allow one thought to feed on another until you’ve worked yourself up into a feeding frenzy of stressful or negative emotions).

I know it’s a crazy time for many of us. My intention is that we can all dig a little deeper over the next couple of months and show extra compassion for one another. I say, let the sane help the insane! Because sooner or later we’ll have all experienced both ends of the spectrum. :)

Take good care this week. And, don’t forget to vote on Tuesday.