Self-Compassion

Last week I had a day where I felt like I was swimming through steel cut oatmeal (as my west Texas therapist friend Donna likes to say).

I was judgmental and finding fault with every person, group, situation, scenario I was bumping up against.

And when I meditated, the thoughts I usually watch dance by like twigs rolling down a river, were as thick as cement running through my veins.

But my saving grace was I knew it. There was a level of discernment happening thanks largely to a presence coach I began working with almost 17 years ago that introduced me to the principles author/therapist Richard Carlson taught around the connection between thought and mood.

Even though I couldn’t easily pull myself out of this funk, I knew I was responsible for feeling yucky. I was the originator of these negative thoughts. These pesky, multiplying “tribbles” (remember these on Star Trek?) were having a field day at my expense. And yes, the quickest way to change my mood was to change my thinking, but that morning, this task looked as daunting as climbing Mount Everest.

So I acknowledged where I was. Reached out and asked for some support. Kept my expectations low around my work output. Tried to laugh at myself (“You’ve got to be kidding ….you think I’m going to believe THAT?!). Drank a tall glass of self-compassion and sat with the reminder that this too shall pass.

And it did. Friday came and after I had the opportunity to teach a workshop for an amazing, inspiring group of professionals, I was reminded of who I really was. And that I am not my negative thoughts.

And what I truly desire is that I’ll remember to be grateful when my mood is high and graceful when it’s low.

Because one thing I’m guaranteed of for the rest of this life is that the thoughts will keep coming. And some days when I’m lucky, I’ll get to watch them float by on the river, waving from the banks. While others, I’ll find myself jumping on their tenuous raft and floating down the murky stream right along with them, rats and all!

P.S. Each quarter I take a personal/business planning retreat to help me determine how best to use my energy/time to support my businesses in the coming 3-6 months. If you're self-employed and needing focus, an energy boost, high level, strategic coaching support and to be reminded of why you do what you do this fall, consider joining me on Sept. 16 at Casa de Artistas in Austin. I love these visioning retreats and always leave with clear, grounded direction.

Note: I'm out on a writing sabbatical this summer and we're surveying the Emotional and Spiritual Health of Families for my new writing project. If you have 5 minutes to tell me about your family culture, I’d love to get your input (and feel free to share with friends/lists): http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/RXZ88GR

I love to hear from, connect with and meet The Journey readers at our events. I invite you to:

>Find Your Tribe: Join or become trained to lead Self- Renewal Groups
>Attend a retreat/event; join me Oct. 14-16 at Kripalu in the amazing cool Berkshire mountains for our Women's Self-Renewal Retreat.
>Join the Dialogue on our Live Inside Out Facebook Community
>Pick up The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal from the library or buy it here
>Download FREE Live Inside Out Teleclasses, join us for our Sept. 8th class on Going with the Flow While Still Getting Things Done! and read past issues of my Life Balance newsletter
>Take Action: Contact one of our career or life balance coaches for 1-on-1 support; receive an initial complimentary consultation
>Empower Others: Schedule Renee Trudeau for a private workshop or retreat for your company or organization
>Subscribe to my life balance blog The Journey for weekly inspiration

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Roses from my sister's blessingway. They say the rose is symbolic of compassion for self and others. I'll have another round.

Waves

This past weekend, my family headed to the Texas coast for a 48 hour date with Mother Nature.

We have not taken a vacation since my husband was laid off last summer from his software job (he’s on a short-term contract gig right now) and we really needed a break.

In general, we like to take frequent, easy vacations as opposed to one big one, so we’ve really been missing our regular jaunts to New Mexico, Big Bend, the Gulf of Mexico, the Davis Mountains and other favorite southwest U.S. haunts.

The weekend was just what we needed. We saw beautiful pelicans, dolphins, a huge variety of birds (a birding couple had traveled from Australia to Port Aransas to see a rare seagull that was flying through!), turtles, jellyfish, crabs, collected shells during sunrise, ate mahi mahi and shrimp while watching the sunset and enjoyed laughing and being together. My almost 9-year-old son only said he was “bored” twice!

My son and I love to walk on the beach in the early hours of the morning while my husband sleeps in and see what washed ashore while we were sleeping. We both find such delight in exploring the untouched shores barefoot and scanning the wet sand for treasures and sea life.

It’s been a couple of years since we came to the beach as a family. As I trolled up and down the shore with my son, watched the waves crash and fall and felt the magnetic pull of the earth and ocean under my bare feet, I was struck by how different I felt on this visit compared to coast trips I've taken in the past.

The only way I can describe it is to say I feel “quieter” on the inside. And, there’s a heightened unmistakable sense of ease, compassion and self-acceptance present. If I had to guess, I attribute this in large part to a now regular meditation practice. And, a clear intention to more and more release and let go (read more).

That’s not to say that I don’t experience emotional and ups and downs (like the waves I watched with utter fascination as they crashed against the granite jetty!), but my inner “home” is just a bit mellower.

Interesting. It was great to get away. It was great to allow nature to heal us. And, it was nice to know that as my outer body evolves and ages, my inside is evolving, too. Slowly but surely.

I hope you can join us this Thursday, Feb. 24 from 7:30-8:30 p.m. CST for our Live Inside Out Teleclass with my good friend Dianna Amorde on "Love the One You're With ...That's You! Finding Self-Acceptance." Learn more here.

I love to hear from, connect with and meet The Journey readers at our events. I invite you to:
>Find Your Tribe: Join or become trained to lead Self- Renewal Groups
>Attend a retreat/event including our 3/4 Lost Pines Women's Self-Renewal Retreat coming up soon (early bird rate ends 2/25; this is our last Texas retreat for a while)
>Join the Dialogue on our Live Inside Out Facebook Community
>Pick up The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal from the library or buy it here
>Download FREE Live Inside Out Teleclasses and read my February Life Balance newsletter
>Take Action: Contact one of our career or life balance coaches for 1-on-1 support; receive an initial complimentary consultation
>Empower Others: Schedule Renee Trudeau for a private workshop or retreat for your company or organization
>Subscribe to my life balance blog The Journey for weekly inspiration

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photos: Renee Peterson Trudeau, the Gulf of Mexico, February 2011.

Letting Go

As I write the theme for this post in the subject line above, I can feel half my body applauding loudly and the other half saying, “Really?!”

Sitting at my desk at work right now surrounded by tax forms, to-do lists, contracts to review and pistachios--I’m juggling one of our cars being in the shop after a recent costly repair last month, my almost-nine-year-old in total disequilibrium (he confessed this morning he was taking “shots” of chocolate syrup from the fridge after his breakfast didn’t “cut it”), preparing to lead a teleclass this week with my brother, doing a TV interview tomorrow, managing hormonal ups and downs, responding to staff/clients requests, training 2 new staff members who started Monday and preparing for our Jan. 28th Winter Self-Renewal Retreat and several other events immediately following.

My theme for 2011 is playful (different than “playing” –which I do quite a bit).

This theme arose from my deep desire to really take both hands off the wheel and let go in all areas of my life.

I decided that for me, letting go completely would look like being “playful” at work, at home and in relationships. I’ll keep you posted how this unfolds in 2011!

So today, as I was driving back from yoga class, I asked myself what does letting go really look like? Today, it’s:

-Committing to keeping self-care at the top of my list, even on days like today, when I feel stretched way too thin
-Surrendering my relationships with my partner, child and extended family to Spirit—a source much wiser and larger than myself
-Trusting that I will listen, allow synchronicity to unfold and be guided exactly how best to use my talents, energy, time and resources to serve others
-Allowing myself to hit the “reset” button as often as I need to, and begin anew each day
-Remembering that I’m not alone and that asking for help allows me to release control and embrace “good is good enough”

I shudder to think how controlling I was in my twenties (I don’t think I’d want to be friends with her if we were to meet on the street today!).

I got a lot better in my thirties--having Jonah helped with this--and now at 45, I’m really ready to release the need to have things go my way. Because when things "look" like they're going my way, it's all a big illusion anyway. Isn’t it? (If you're in Austin, don't miss the opportunity to see Byron Katie Jan. 28-29. She taught me a lot about control.)

One of the quotes I love that's in The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal and always gets women laughing, is “For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the Universe.” Larry Eisenberg

Baby steps. Keep calm and carry on.

I love to hear from, connect with and meet The Journey readers at our events. I invite you to:

>Find Your Tribe: Join or become trained to lead Self- Renewal Groups
>Attend my Jan. 28th Self-Renewal Retreat or another retreat/event
>Join the Dialogue on our Live Inside Out Facebook Community
>Pick up The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal from the library or buy it here
>Download FREE Live Inside Out Telelcasses and read my January Life Balance newsletter
>Take Action: Contact one of our career or life balance coaches for 1-on-1 support; receive an initial complimentary consultation
>Empower Others: Schedule Renee Trudeau for a private workshop or retreat for your company or organization
>Subscribe to my life balance blog The Journey for weekly inspiration

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly. You can subscribe here.

Photo: One of my biggest teachers on the planet on the subject of playfulness: my younger brother Kert, a Qi Gong teacher. You can always count on Kert to find humor and silliness in EVERY situation! In this photo Kert and I (ages four and three) are discussing our next Life Balance Telelcass.

Imagine A World Where ......

A few days before Thanksgiving, I attended a yoga class. As I lay on my back relaxing before the teacher began, I could hear the light, easy, excited chatter in the room. You could feel the anticipation: a holiday break was coming!

Why were we all so happy? Because a holiday usually signals to the body, mind and spirit that you’re about to slow down, to unplug a bit, to spend more time connecting with family and to live at a more “normal pace”--rather than the 24/7 breakneck speed most Americans keep.

It got me thinking … what if we lived in a world where self-care (the concept of attuning and responding to your needs/desires) was an integral part of the fabric of our lives?

What if:
-Your boss approached you when you looked overwhelmed at work and said, “You need to say no to any new projects—you look overworked and you’ve already got too much on your plate.”
-Your kid said, “Forget about basketball practice tonight Mom--you need to stay home this evening and rest, you’ve been doing too much lately. It won’t matter if I miss one night.”
-Your best friend reminded you, “Be extra easy on yourself this week—the anniversary of your dad’s death is coming up, it’s a fragile time for you.”
-Your co-worker told you after you’d been beating yourself up all morning, “Cut yourself some slack about that presentation—it was your first time to deliver the new material, you did great.”
-Your Mom encouraged you, “Ask for help and let others support you—there’s no reason you need to juggle everything on your own. Call on your tribe.”
-Your neighbor reminded you “Practice ‘good is good enough’—the party doesn’t have to be perfect. People would rather have a happy, relaxed host than a sparkling clean home or homemade food.”
-Your husband called to say, “Be gentle with yourself right now, you’re in the middle of a lot of transitions; take a day off for rest and rejuvenation. I’ll pick up some Thai food on my way home and then bathe and put the kids to bed.”

Hmmmm …imagine a world where everywhere we went, we all encouraged one another to slow down, attune to our physical/emotional/spiritual and mental needs and the practice of self-care, self-compassion and self-nurturance became part of our value system. Part of our everyday experience.

It’s hard to envision, isn’t it?

It would have been hard for me to imagine eleven years ago that I would work, live and play the way I do now. (I probably would have called the current, more relaxed Renee-- a “slacker.”)

But what I've come to know after years of mindfully focusing on self-care and all that this has come to mean for me, is that I’m wiser, more prosperous, more focused, more productive and have more fun when I put my needs at the top of my to-do list before supporting and serving those around me.

And, the exciting thing? That those closest to me are beginning to do the same. Ripple on friends …and who knows, maybe a year from now we’ll all live in a world where each of us is a bit more kinder and gentler to our sweet selves than we were before. Imagine that.

FIND YOUR TRIBE, ATTEND A RETREAT/WORKSHOP OR JOIN THE DIALOGUE: Would you like support for focusing on self-care and learning to slow down and be more present in your everyday life? Join or become trained to facilitate a Personal Renewal Group, or visit our calendar to learn more about upcoming events.

We love to hear from you. Please visit and join our Live Inside Out community to read how people are living more intentionally and share how you do the same.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Relationships Are Hard?

I was nervous about writing this post.

While I’m quite forthcoming and like to “keep it real” around the challenges and ups and downs in my life, talking about my relationship with my partner is totally different terrain.

My parents divorced at age 48 after having 7 kids and 26 years together. Both sets of my grandparents have been through a divorce, my brother--who I am very close to--divorced after 14 years of marriage. And, the couple I idolized in college also divorced after 20-something years of marriage and 4 kids.

My internal dialogue in my twenties and throughout much of my thirties was “Relationships are hard and you don’t really have any great models for how to be in relationship so you’ll probably never be very successful.”

Can anyone relate?

A week ago, my husband and I took our first extended trip alone together since our son was born to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary (we’ve been together since 1996). We went to Big Sur, CA and the trip was really phenomenal, check out our photos here.

But what was most amazing to me during this trip, was my realization of how much I have changed in the last 10 years---around how I view my husband, myself, our partnership and the whole concept of marriage.

One morning we were hiking down a beautiful sandy trail at Andrew Molera State Park on the Central Coast of CA. We were headed towards the ocean and were the only people on this beautiful, quiet path.

As I often do when hiking in nature and contemplating life, I asked my husband some “thinker” questions about his current life stage (all my male clients reading this are sighing with relief they’re not married to me right now). He paused for a while, shared and then I waited a bit to see if he’d reciprocate and ask me the same questions.

He didn’t.

And I was fine. Actually more than fine.

Ten years ago, I would have been irritated, hurt and possibly angry for hours at his “perceived” insensitivity.

Today, I know three things that changed how I viewed this experience:

1. My beloved is an introvert. He likes to really sit with and chew on things. His internal world is vast, rich and when I throw out an introspective question, he needs time and space to digest it.
2. We don’t need to talk about everything OR go back and forth around a topic to enjoy intimacy. Often our most intimate moments are found in silence.
3. I don’t need my husband to make me feel complete or whole. I know who I am. I am in touch with my needs. And, if something is really important to me, I have no problem bringing it up and exploring it with him. And, he’s always receptive to listening.

I almost felt giddy at this realization as we continued along in silence towards the waves and I let John sit with his thoughts, while I sat with mine. (I did share this ah-ha moment with him later and he felt horrible for not creating more of a dialogue with me until I explained that I wasn’t upset.)

Relationships are hard? Yes, sometimes they are. But how well equipped are we when we show up at the dance? (One of my mentors used to say we’re all going to face our same issues over and over again no matter who we’re married to, so just pick your partner and do-se-do!)

I’ve noticed as I have become more self-aware, more compassionate, more loving towards myself and more attuned to my needs, my partnership has evolved and shifted.

Showing up in the relationship with a full cup rather than a half-empty one seems to significantly change the dynamics.

I certainly don’t have the answers when it comes to making a marriage work.

I still find that cultivating a deeply, evolved, committed relationship is not for the faint at heart and it takes everything I have to be present with my partner day in, day out. And, it continues to be the single most challenging aspect of my life, hands down!

But I also know it's worth it. And being in a close, connected partnership where you support and hold the highest and best for each other--has been rewarding beyond compare.

I just read a wonderful new book by relationship therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom called Secrets of Great Marriages. It’s an anthology of personal stories from 27 couples, all of whom have been married for 15 years or longer. One of the insights many couples shared that stayed with me, is the reoccurring theme that one of the best things you can do to deepen and strengthen your marriage is to know and love yourself. And to make sure your needs are met before trying to support your partner.

Sounds like I just might be on the right track. Or at least beginning to create my own model for what a meaningful, healthy relationship feels like to me. I’ll keep you posted.

P.S. If you’re interested, I’ve listed a few of my favorite relationship resources at the end of the chapter on Staying Connected to Your Partner in my book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

JOIN US FOR AN UPCOMING EVENT: Would you like support for getting in touch with your needs and reconnecting with who you are? Join us in the cool Berkshire mountains in MA this coming August at the beautiful Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health for our Self-Renewal Retreat Aug. 13-15. One of my favorite spots on the planet and the retreat center that I visit when I'm ready to make a huge life shift! Visit our calendar to learn more about upcoming events including our FREE May 18th Live Inside Out teleclass on Reclaiming Adventure in Your Life and our June 11th The Empowered Entrepreneur workshop.

Also, check out our Live Inside Out community and share how you create balance in your relationship.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Big Sur, CA.