When I Fill My Cup First

I spoke last week to a group of career coaches. Most of them were women. And, many of them came up to me after the presentation and wanted to talk about self-care.

I encouraged them to consider joining a Personal Renewal Group, attending one my spring retreats, or just taking some time each week for themselves. Most responded “I really need that, but I just don’t have the time …the money …the support from my family ….the space on my calendar.” And others simply said “Yes, I know it’s what I need but …..” and they looked down at their feet or across the room, as if I’d just suggested they climb Mount Everest.

Last month two of my girlfriends had extended breaks from their families/young children (their husbands were traveling with their kids). When I ran into them during this break, they were absolutely glowing. They had a sense of levity, aliveness and joy that I hadn’t witnessed in a while. It wasn’t that they had miserable lives or didn’t love being around their kids, but this break had helped them re-charge, reconnect with their essence and enjoy the incredible gift of being able to listen –and respond to—their needs.

Can you remember a time when you’ve had a break and felt the same way?

It’s been ten years since I first started focusing on my self-care. Sometimes I try and remember what it was like when I just pushed through my day, never pausing to check in with my needs. And, never believing that I was worthy of self-nurturance and self-compassion.

I know that my life now is not perfect and everyday is a learning experience, but my commitment to listening to and caring for my sweet self is so strong, I can’t imagine any other way. And, I know that I’m a radically different—and better---mother, sister, wife, employer and friend because of it.

If you’re in Texas (or have friends who are), I strongly encourage you to join me for a rare treat on Thursday, Feb. 18th in Austin for a FREE event. I’ll be facilitating an Evening of Self-Renewal and will be introducing this profound and sacred practice which has changed who I am. Bring a photo (see details) and come prepared to experience a shift in how you feel and think about yourself.

AN INVITATION: Interested in exploring and tapping into the power of self-care? Learn how you can join or become trained to lead a self-renewal circle for women. And, view all upcoming events--including March 26th and April 23-25 spring renewal retreats--here.

Also, visit Live Inside Out to register for our Feb. 23rd FREE evening teleclass on Good is Good Enough: Releasing Perfection. And sign up to receive weekly tips on how to live more intentionally through our Live Inside Out Facebook Community.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance and living life from the inside out, comes out weekly.

Photo: Flora in the Berkshire Mountains at Kripalu (where I'll be leading an August Self-Renewal Retreat Aug. 13-15).

Unexpected Gifts

In 2002, the year my son was born, I felt a soft but persistent tapping on my shoulder to start a free, community support group to help mothers (most of all me) focus on self-care.

My plate was full with a six-month old and a relatively new business, but the feeling and pull was so strong, I felt I had no choice but to say “Yes.”

I facilitated these coaching groups for five years and the opportunity to sit deeply with a circle of women once a month and focus on reconnecting with who we are and nurturing our emotional well-being, changed my life more than any single thing I have ever done. (My book—which the groups are based on and which came out last year--was born organically from the experience.)

This past Friday, my little guy turned seven and I stand in amazement as I realize what a series of life-changing gifts he has given me. (The chapter in my book on Motherhood as a Spiritual Journey explores this topic deeply.)

Besides the gift of self-care (which has been HUGE), how could I have ever guessed that such deeply fulfilling, meaningful work—speaking, writing, coaching/training around the topic of life balance/self-renewal—would come directly from the experience of being his parent?

Life is weird.

Often my career coaching clients will feel overwhelmed with questions around life purpose. As I get older, I believe more and more that our job is to listen quietly for opportunities to say “Yes,” and from these often courageous leaps, comes our life’s work. (If you’re feeling stuck around your career, check out my suggestions for gaining clarity and focus for some support.)

Maybe there’s something in your life that deserves a “Yes?”

P.S. Interested in learning more about how you can start/join a Personal Renewal Group in your community? Hundreds of groups are meeting around the US/Canada and Europe for moms/women at all life stages and more are starting each week. I also invite you to consider joining other like-minded women interested in learning about the Power of Self Care at my upcoming Spring Self-Renewal Retreat at The Crossings, April 24-26.

The Journey, a blog about coach/author/entrepreneur Renee Trudeau’s personal journey to life balance, comes out weekly. Subscribe here. For more information on Renee’s upcoming events, click here.

Miracles

Have you ever faced a conundrum that you knew could not be solved by “thinking it through?”

I have shared in several recent blog posts my intention to create more simplicity in my life in 2009 and how challenging it has been over the last year to run two national businesses (one that is in start-up mode!), while maintaining a sense of equilibrium, and honoring my top priorities, including spending quality time with my son every afternoon.(In fairness to myself, the second was never intended to be a business, it was born organically from a need and desire to help others.)

I’m in a wonderful master mind group with 4 other coaches. Our approach is a little different than many similar support groups for entrepreneurs. We all like to view business challenges with the mindset that “there is a spiritual solution to every problem.”

I think it was Einstein that said “problems are not solved on the level at which they are created.” This has always resonated with me.

So in that vein, I release my “challenge” (which may not be a challenge at all, depending on how I look at it, right?!), trust and remain open to a fresh perspective. I’ve learned from riding the entrepreneur roller coaster over the last almost ten years that miracles often arrive in strange wrapping.

I’m looking forward to a shift in thinking (I call this a miracle) and am grateful for my clarity around knowing what matters most to me.

I think it was author Wayne Dyer that said, “Change your thinking and you change your world.” Amen Wayne, I'l take some of that! (photo: Sun setting in the Olympic National Forest Renee Peterson Trudeau)

P.S. One great way to shift your thinking is to attend a professional or personal development event. We have some great ones listed here: www.reneetrudeau.com/calendar. Check out the Sunday business section in your local paper for others.

Support

As much as I am an advocate of asking for and receiving help (and getting support), I stumble often and see how natural my tendency is to still go it alone.

Recently I had the luxury of meeting with an amazing executive coach about honing a professional skill. Just sitting across from her, having someone totally focused on my needs, who is present and 100% supportive, felt simply amazing!!

I think a lot of my friends/colleagues can relate. We know help is there and how different we feel when we're supported (rather than out in open waters in a rowboat alone), yet we still resist asking for help as often as we should.

Interestingly, more and more studies are coming out about what the physiological and emotional benefits are of having a support network.

And none of us will argue that having a robust support system can have a huge impact on how you experience day-to-day life.

Research shows that individuals with strong support systems (from the Guide):
• are more effective at work and at home (they feel as if they have a team behind them

and that they’re not all alone)
• keep resolutions, particularly those involving their health and physical well-being
• weather personal and professional challenges more easily
• are less likely to feel overwhelmed and find it easier to maintain perspective
• stay healthier on all levels—mentally, physically and emotionally
• are less likely to feel isolated (isolation can lead to feelings of despair and failure)
• experience less stress and burnout
• have children who are comfortable asking for and receiving support and help from others

So, what about you? Do you find it hard to ask for help or are you fully supported in all areas of your life (and if yes—share your secrets with the rest of us who are still struggling with this!)?

My recent experience with my coach certainly has encouraged me to look at all areas of my life and see where I’m lacking support.

Why go it alone? I really believe we’d all benefit from becoming more interdependent.

Perception

One of my favorite quotes is "Don't believe everything you think."

Author/speaker/spiritual teacher Byron Katie (http://www.thework.com/) tells a great story about an experience she had at a busy airport restroom. She waited in line and finally a woman emerged from the stall nearest where she was standing. Katie walked in and was immediately irritated to see the seat was completely wet! How inconsiderate and thoughtless of that woman, she said to herself. After Katie cleaned up the seat and was done, she flushed the toilet and as she unhooked the latch to leave, she noticed water from the commode backfiring and completely spraying the entire toilet seat!

Katie likes to say, "We're not always wrong, only 99% of the time."

How often do we meander down a trail of thought based on an assumption we're clinging to --about another person, a situation or whatever has triggered us--which in all likelihood is just flat out not true?

As a career coach, I hear stories all the time from clients who feel "wronged" by bosses, coworkers, clients, companies, HR departments, etc. Many times, when I suggest another way of looking at a situation, they realize how "off" their perception is about the situation. (My recent Career Management Resources newsletter: www.careerstrategists.net/htmlemail/july08.html) offered suggestions for moving beyond these wounds.)

Or, sometimes we adopt a certain way of seeing things that could be holding us back ("X is just too hard, it will cost too much, take too long, it will never work, etc.) and feel stuck in how we're perceiving the situation.

Last year, I pushed away accepting speaking engagements outside of Texas, thinking my son was too young, they would be too work-intensive, they wouldn't pay me enough to make it worth my time and on and on (you see where I'm going?).

About three months ago, I had a huge shift--don't ask me how-- around national/international speaking gigs and now my attitude is, bring 'em on--these are fun, easy, they let me leverage my strengths, they pay well and they provide me with a wonderful opportunity to help others on a larger scale! What more could I ask for?

Interesting how my perception changed so completely.

This morning, my sweet six-year old and I let Dad sleep in (he was up late playing at a Brazilian music festival) and decided to head out for an adventure.

We rode our bikes--for the first time--to the local Mexican restaurant 2 miles away for breakfast tacos. It was a bit of an obstacle course--navigating around dogs, other bikers, sprinklers, traffic lights, cars blocking driveways--and I have to admit, a part of me was slightly critical of the experience (wishing I had brought water, wishing the breakfast tacos were a little healthier, wishing my son's bike was a better fit for him, etc.).

But, my little guy perceived the morning as absolute perfection--"Mom, I love the breeze, we're riding our bikes somewhere new AND I just found a beautiful acorn on the sidewalk. This is the best time ever!!"

I'm grateful for my small, sweet teacher. And, the realization that a change in perception--and how we feel-- really is only a thought away.

P.S. If you feel like you're moving too fast to pause and question your "perceptions," check out my latest Life Balance newsletter: www.reneetrudeau.com/htmlemail/september2008.html and accompanying exercise on this topic.

Everyday Spirituality

So, I have shared with many of you that I'm on a six-week writing sabbatical. (I'm a big believer in claiming "chunks" of time for creative endeavors--truly the only way you're really able to play with an idea on a deeper level!).

After a lot of juggling and planning, I was successful in carving out six weeks of my summer to focus on a project that has been tapping on my shoulder for about a year now.

In a nutshell, I am very curious about how, when and where people "feel" God (or whatever you call this: source, the Divine, the sacred, etc.) in everyday ways.

Having supported and coached thousands of professionals in their 20s-60s in the last 20 years, I have observed that many, many people share that they feel something is missing in their lives.

While they may achieve outer success--what most of them are craving: a sense of meaning, a sense of being connected to something bigger than themselves, a sense of inner peace--seems to elude them.

Or, they simply don't know how to identify their portal for getting there through ordinary day-to-day life experiences. (My summer newsletter which comes out Wed., July 23rd, goes into more detail on this topic and shares some of the answers to the questions below: http://www.reneetrudeau.com/ to subscribe.)

I am intrigued by this theme and sent the following questions to a select sampling of about 25 profesionals, asking them for their honest, direct, feedback. My only intention for this material right now is to help me gain insight into where people are around the topic of Everyday Spirituality.

My instructions and the questions are below if you'd like to take a stab at answering these yourself. (Many of the respondents shared that the exercise itself ended up sparking very interesting conversations with friends and significant others.)

Have fun, go with your gut and don’t overanalyze your answers. This should take you about 15-20 min.:

1. What gives your life meaning, where do you find meaning?
2. One thing I do to renew my spirit is ....... When I do this, I feel ........
3. To me, God* is ..... (*God for you might be the sacred, Spirit, Source, a higher power, Buddha, Yahweh, Allah, your highest self, your intuitive self, the Divine, Universal energy, etc.)
4. I feel God when I am ..... I feel most peaceful when I ....
5. I connect or tune into God (or the sacred) through ......

Your name (only your first name will be used):
Your age:
Religious upbringing and current religious practice (if any, optional to share):

And, if you'd like, post 1-2 of your answers here and let the dialogue begin!

Slowing Down

Have you noticed how speeded up we all seem to be lately? Pulling into my gym parking lot this morning, you would have thought they had just announced “the first 20 to enter the front door this morning win a free trip to Europe!”

Why are we in such a hurry? How is it affecting our interactions with one another? With how we parent? Not to mention our physical and emotional well-being (pay attention to your physical sensations when you’re in the “chicken with its head cut off” mode ... usually your stomach, upper back or chest are screaming for you to move to the slow lane). And, it seems to me we’re moving even faster than we were a year ago (or maybe I’m imagining this!). I would attribute some of this to technology and how we now use email, cell phones and PDAs, etc. Most of my career coaching clients site the constant inability to “unplug.”

Twelve years ago I was introduced to a philosophy/approach which advocates Slowing Down. In fact, the coach I was working with who suggested I start to become aware of how how "present" I am in my day-to-day life, told me I would actually be more effective at work if I slowed down! (Check out Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Richard Carlson/Joseph Bailey to get a taste of the approach I was introduced to : http://www.amazon.com/Slowing-Down-Speed-Life-Peaceful/dp/0062514547.) At the time, I thought she was crazy.


Thank God (and the coach who helped me shift to begin balancing“being” with “doing”), that has changed. I have now developed an aversion, an actual distaste for living and working at breakneck speed. Sure I do it sometimes, but my body starts setting off very loud alarms that it goes against my natural rhythms and innate health.

What is the speed at which you’re living? Are you pummeling through life in a race car, moving along in a steady Chevrolet, zipping around on a Vespa, soaking up your surroundings on a horse and buggy or maybe you’re on foot? Is the speed at which you’re living your life working for you? How do you feel when you wake up each morning? When you go to bed at night? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

There has been a lot of press about adopting a Slow Food movement. I like it. But first, maybe we all need to start supporting a Slow Life movement. What do you think?

Compassion

Countryside, County Clare, Ireland

Things feel very much like they did post-911 right now (at least career-wise). My clients, friends and men and women I meet through public speaking engagements, seem to feel less sure, less grounded and fearful (if not anxious) about the road before us. Many also share a sense that everything feels very speeded up, that things are moving too fast.

If I were asked “what is one quality you think would be serve the world right now?” my word would be compassion.

I heard a radio interview this morning with a well-known author who said he believes many of us are experiencing “empathy deficit” disorder, due to being overly focused on seeking pleasure or relief from external things and not being connected to those around us.

I find I’m able to really shift when I’m going through a hard time, simply by being more compassionate towards myself. And, when I can move beyond “walking in my brother’s shoes” into feeling true compassion for what they might be experiencing—regardless of their crazy or abrasive behavior--my perspective moves to a different plane altogether.

I have the privilege of getting to serve men and women daily by supporting them on their career path. My clients show up “warts and all”—feeling gratitude for the opportunity to be seen for who they really are. In turn, I am able to hold a space of “possibility” for them and extend deep compassion for their courage in taking risks, asking for/receiving help, being vulnerable, living with "not knowing,"and wanting to experience and be something greater than that which they can currently imagine.

Compassion can also manifest in the smallest ways—a warm smile for someone clearly struggling with kids at the grocery store, a genuine “how are you doing” to the clerk who helps you check out or even just taking time to really “see” a coworker, neighbor, teacher, parent, family member, child or employee who might feel—or are treated as if-- they’re invisible.

Mother Teresa said the fruit of love is service, which is compassion in action. I love that quote.

If you were to choose one quality to “gift” the world right now, what would it be?

Comment on the photo: This weekend, my six-year old decided to create a little “altar” in a corner of his bedroom. to honor qualities that were sacred to him (he heard about this idea from a great book called “Peaceful Piggy Meditation,” http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807563803). One of the items he choe was a beautiful pink flower from our herb garden to symbolize kindness to others. It is amazing how something so “everyday”—when noticed from a new vantage point—can have such a powerful impact.

Enjoy the photo above that I took in County Clare, Ireland on the way to the seashore last summer.

What Area of Your Life Needs Balancing?

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to lead a wonderful career plannning/exploration workshop in which I challenge professionals to look at their lives and their work in new ways (http://www.careerstrategists.net/mojo0906.html). Facilitating this workshop is one of my favorite ways to serve others through my work. It really feeds me to see these amazing men and women begin to open up to "possibility" and the idea that they really can live the life they desire.


I was pretty exhausted after the workshop ended--presenting and then responding to individual inquiries for help for four hours straight takes a lot of energy--but was grateful for this opportunity to do what I love and coach in a group environment.


It got me thinking about the Balance topic in a new way though.


Many, myself included, believe that we're here to help and support one another; that service to others can be deeply meaningful and spiritually nourishing. The fruit of love is service, which is compassion in action--Mother Teresa.


But, the challenge is to find that balance between giving and receiving. (Letting other support you and being open to receiving help that comes your way.)


Balance in all areas of our life is what we all desire (not "perfection," but a healthy ebb and flow where we have enough time, energy and resources to devote to those things that matter to us most).


I work with many clients on finding that balance between work/family and life/family, but what about finding the balance between being and doing, listening and talking, moving and stillness, being "out there" and "going inward," helping your kids and letting them figure things out for themselves, initiating conversation with your spouse and letting things just be, using your masculine vs. your feminine strengths, and on and on?


I'm facinated by this dialogue. What area of your life most needs "balancing"? Clearly a theme in my life is finding balance between giving and receiving. I have a feeling this is the year I'm going to really shift around this area. I can't wait.


I'd love to hear your thoughts on this theme. What does it bring up for you and what area of your life most needs balancing?